WHEN YOU ARE LEFT HOLDING THE BABY

What do you do when a man who has sworn undying love to and gone ahead and made you pregnant on the understanding that wedding bells are in the horizon suddenly takes off leaving you literally holding the baby?

By IRENE NJOROGE

This the one thing that women fear most. Unless you have decided that you are ready to bring up a child on your own, most women would hope that when their baby comes, there will be a father around, not to mention doting grandparents, aunties and uncles.

But these days, more often than not, that is not the case. Indeed for many men, the moment a woman reveals that she is expecting, he will immediately start looking for an exit route from the relationship.

We are told it takes two to tango but in such a case, it ends up being about one who is left to hassle – usually the lovelorn woman. Believing in romantic love is very exciting and more so when the man you love loves you right back..or seems to.

Imagine being 27 and in a good job, living away from home and even driving your own car. What is missing in this equation is a husband and a bundle of joy.

So when you intimate to your man that you’d like to settle down and have babies, he will most probably urge you to wait until you get married. But somehow, he never quite seems ready for that walk down the aisle.

Meanwhile, most women will think that since he’s mentioned marriage , they can go ahead and have the baby without further reference to the man. Many erroneously believe that the man will be thrilled to know that a baby is on the way.

Shock on you, when as soon as the baby arrives, your man starts to do the disappearing act. Suddenly, he is no longer as available as he used to be before the baby. Before long, you realize that you and your baby are no longer part of his equation.

He has quietly moved on and is now dating someone else. Unless you are a very disciplined woman, it is easy to end up as just another statistic of unwed motherhood.

Many starry eyed young women looking forward to a bright future find themselves in this situation. For the unwed young mother, this represents a complete change in her life. It suddenly dawns on her that all along, she was dealing with a man she never really knew.

As a man plans his exit from the relationship, he will suddenly become a cold, callous stranger. Sample some responses men give, in an attempt to run away from this newly discovered fatherhood: The most common –

“It cannot possibly be mine”
“Why didn’t you take precautions?”
“I am not yet ready for marriage”
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to marry a virgin”
“I am not interested in becoming a dad”
“I am too young and broke to take responsibility”
“It’s your problem”

Other men will simply disappear, into thin air, never to be seen or heard of again. However, the men fail to realise that in their later years, the memory of the child they once sired and abandoned will haunt them forever.

No man can completely run away from their blood forever. If it’s not your child who comes back to haunt you in later years, it will probably be your grandchildren. Many have tried denying their offspring, but nature ensures that they never forget.

Once you realise you are pregnant, do not panic. Take charge. Confide in a close friend or relative who will offer you the support you need at the time. Once the child is born, you will need to completely change your daily schedule as r time is no longer your own, as caring for a baby is a fulltime job away from your regular job.

The story of Maureen’s triumph as a single mother is repeated among very many women in circumstances similar to hers. She is now 32 with an eleven-year-old son. The father of her child, who went abroad without ever having seen the boy, left her unceremoniously.

She made up her mind to succeed despite the challenges she was going through. Luckily for her, she had a very supportive mother who saw to it that her child received good care as Maureen put her life back on course.

With her diligence, she now heads a leading private school and earns a six figure salary. She is able to cater for her son and plan her financial future. She is also engaged to a fellow educator. They plan to start their own school in the near future.

The father of her child recently returned from the US, after spending a decade there. He had had children with six women whom he promptly abandoned. He later entered into a sham green card marriage to gain permanent papers to live in the US.

After getting the papers, he tried to abandon his American wife (she had no idea it was a sham marriage) and child, but she got wind of it before he could effect the plan.

She reported him to the authorities and he was deported. He landed at JKIA with nothing more than a duffle bag and a few hundred dollars was all he had to show for all the time he was in the US.

Back in Kenya, he decided to look up his old friends. He had heard that Maureen was now doing quite well for herself and that his son was thriving and excelling. He paid her a visit and had the audacity to suggest marriage to Maureen.

Being a well brought up lady, she simply smiled and stated: “I am very flattered to have you propose to me, however, I am not quite interested.”

Scoffed

When he realised that she had long moved on, he demanded custody for his son which of course she was never going to agree to after all the boy did not even know him. Maureen is now married, they have a daughter, and together with the son she had out of wedlock, they are all very happy together.

In retrospect, Maureen wonders: “When I got pregnant, I thought life was going to be a fairytale and that he would take care of the baby and me forever. But when I told him I was expectant, he scoffed at me, and walked out of my life without a second glance.

This illustration shows that not every case ends up badly for women. While giving birth as a single parent has its challenges for many young mothers, a number of different pathways are open to them by which they can reduce the negative consequences.

Acceptance of one’s situation and having the resolve to move on and make a better life for yourself and your child is the best path to take after all, it’s how you bring up your child that matters.

For your child to have a father figure, look for a close relative or friend who can give that male perspective to life and should the biological father pitch up, don’t deny the child a chance to know his father.
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