DEALING WITH AN EX FROM HELL

Elivis Ogina/ Posed by models

Very few people end up marrying their childhood sweethearts. For this simple reason, it is almost a default situation that every married person has an ex partner or two.

Some exes hang around like a shadow, others move on, depending on how the relationship ended. For many current partners, the exes are a thorn in the flesh and according to some experts, a major cause of dysfunctional marriages.

The big test is to know how to deal with exes. There is a very thin line between appearing insecure and being assertive when it comes to ex-partners; do you ban any sort of communication between them and risk appearing insecure; give them freedom to see and talk to each other and risk appearing not to care or even worse, you might give them a chance to re-ignite old sparks.

Unless a break-up was amicable, one partner, in some cases both of them, finds it tough to move on. Understandably too, especially if a lot of emotions and hope had been invested in the relationship.

Moving on is made harder and complicated especially if there are children in the mix. Having children in the mix ideally means that one would have to keep in touch with an ex-partner,(the parent who gets stays with them) and this is where problems arise.

Take the case of Mary. She has a 4-year old son, Jeff, with a man she broke up with while she was still pregnant, thus he has no attachment to the son, both emotionally and financially.

The problem is the ex’s wife who cannot seem to let go. “My son does not know his father. He does not pay for his son’s upkeep, we do not communicate at all, but his wife, who was in the picture when we were dating, seems to think otherwise.”

For almost two years, the ex’s wife has been hell bent on driving Mary absolutely crazy. “Every week, I receive almost 10 text messages from several unregistered numbers, but obviously from the same source as the theme is the same.

The messages are vulgar and threatening.” Mary narrates, looking pained. “She has made me very paranoid and nervous. She threatens to pay men to rape me and kill my son as I watch, she sends messages to my landlady, lying to her that my son was fathered by the husband

(landlady’s), she tells the landlord that I am an armed robber and responsible for all the car-jacking in the area.

It’s unbelievable the lengths she is prepared to go to hurt me.” Mary shakes her head.
What scares Mary the most is the fact that the woman has taken trouble to find out where she lives, where she works, the telephone numbers of her landlord and his wife.

“She sends letters to my boss, letters laced with lies; luckily they never get to him as his letters are opened by his PA. I do not know what she wants with me.

The other day, she sent me pornographic pictures with my face; it was obviously Photoshop, but she threatened to send them to my mother. My mother does not know Photoshop, and letters like that would surely kill her.”

Her efforts to talk to the ex-boyfriend about his wife hit a hard wall; he was adamant that his wife is not capable of such vulgar behaviour.

“I have been to the police and a private investigator, and luckily, recently they made some breakthrough and go proof that she is the one behind this – before it was just suspicion, now there is proof.

I obviously cannot tell more about it, but I am hoping this will soon come to an end and my son and I can move on with our lives with no fear.”
Very close

Julia is having problems of her own. “I hate the fact that my husband and his ex are very close. Once in a while, she will call him at very ungodly hours, just to say hi.

My husband does not seem to think there is anything wrong with that scenario - I am a woman, and I know she is sending me signals, that she still has some sort of hold over him.”

What happens when she complains to him about this closeness? “He just dismisses me - he claims that I have no reason to be insecure. But it is not even about insecurity for me, it is about the fact that she is disrespectful to me, and he is too dumb to see it.

I am actually thinking of threatening to leave him - I wish I could tell his ex-girlfriend off, but I think she is looking for some sort of a reaction from me. I refuse to give her the satisfaction. It doesn’t mean I like it, but my husband has to be the one to set the boundaries.”

The ex-factor syndrome is not preserved for women only. For Joe, he has an ex-girlfriend from hell. “She is relentless in her mission to make me miserable. She hits me as having asplit personality actually.

One minute, she is texting me, reminding me of the good times we used to have, which I ignore, of course, as I am in a happy relationship. Ignoring her brings out the wrath and she starts sending very ugly messages, writing same messages on my Facebook wall, telling off women who comments on my wall.

She stalks me through my friends and it is really annoying. Thank goodness my girlfriend thinks she is a big joke and laughs it off, but I don’t find it funny.

She used to turn up at my house unannounced - I had to move because of this. When she found out that I had moved, she started calling me names.”

Did he ever love her? “Love, I am not sure, but I did like her a lot at some point, then her jealous and clingy tendencies just turned me off.

She is a pathological liar too - she lies to me that she has moved on and is getting married soon.

Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, I found out she has been telling the same lies to another of her exes; that she is getting married to me soon. I think she tries to make us jealous, but it is a total turn-off.

A recent lifestyle feature on BBC set to identify different types of female exes and advices how to deal with them. Below we share some excerpts;

The Terminator: this one will use all the dirty tricks in the book to get the man back. According to the article, she is easy to spot as she laughs loudest at your man’s jokes, even the flat ones.

She will pretend that she is over the man but still keep constant communication. The best way to deal with the Terminator is to totally ignore her and concentrate on strengthening your relationship with the man, make it difficult for her to turn up by picking up different and new places to go, like out of town.

The Weeping Willow: she will tell anyone who will listen how he hurt her and will cry for hours. The Weeping Willow is not easy to spot as she might want to avoid you but when you spot her, she will be giving your boyfriend a mournful look.

Because of her lack of confidence, she will not try to get the man back, but it does not mean she would not take the chance to have him back. It would be nice to befriend her, but she might begrudge you forever especially if she thinks you are the cause of all her grief.

The Avenger: this one is determined to make your man suffer. She is not interested in having him back, but she will move heaven and earth to make his life as miserable as hers.

She will publicly talk about your man’s shortcomings, and may even try to convince you that you have been short changed by being with him. It is easy to listen to the avenger (after all, she knows him), but remember, do not judge him by his earlier actions, though it is advisable to discuss the ‘rumours’ with him to ensure he never treats you the same.

First Love; this is the most dangerous one, since to most people, the first love remains special for life. It is possible that you will have heard all about this perfect first love, which makes you wonder why they broke up in the first place.

You cannot compete with the first love, but you need to stamp your own mark by showing him what you have is better than the puppy love he goes on about. If possible, meet the first love, just to assure yourself she is human.

The Friend: They dated before, but the relationship is now platonic. Easy to spot, as she is part of the ‘guys’, but she will be the one who knows how he likes his egg done.

The easiest way to deal with The Friend is to become her friend. Be concerned if he stays out late four nights a week with the ‘guys’, including her. Should this happen, ask him how he would feel if you were around your ex four nights a week.

According to Pastor Njoroge who doubles as a marriage counsellor, the man is usually the problem. “Men, by nature, suffer from messianic syndrome, meaning, as long as an ex acts like they need their help, they will always want to help out, rendering them vulnerable.

Women know this weakness only too well, that more often than not, their exes will respond to their cry for help – whether it is a problem with the car or fixing a sink, if they sound hopeless, they man will feel needed and run to help.

This is dangerous, especially if the same man is made to feel ‘useless’ at home. The man has to set the boundaries.”
What would Pastor Njoroge advice Mary to do? “Mary did the right thing by involving the police, she needs to make sure they do not forget her case.

She needs to protect herself and her son by surrounding herself with people who love her and being aware of the surrounding; that lady sounds capable of anything.

The problem here is the wife; she needs some serious psychiatric help. She is sick, and unfortunately it is possible she has a split personality and is a different person at home, around the man.

She is being territorial, protecting what is hers, but going about it the wrong way.”
We asked Pastor Njoroge whether they tackle the issue of ex-partner in pre-marital counselling. “Yes we do. Of course, we would wish that there were no ex-partners to deal with, but we are pragmatic.

We use the Bible as the principal authority, we have books written by people with good marriage experience, and then we have mentor couples. The solution is not to make everybody happy, but to do the right thing.

Move on and forget the ex partners, but if there are children involved, of course, one must take responsibility for these children within set and acceptable parameters. Avoid seeing your ex on your own at her place.

This is the easiest way to be tempted back into an illicit relationship with her or him. If you have moved on and have a new partner, let this new person be in the picture whenever you have to deal with the ex.

Take her with you if you have to meet your ex for whatever reason, or even if you have to see your children. This way, there will be no mixed signals.”

When your spouse is not comfortable with you meeting the ex, when he is secretive about their dealings, then there is reason to worry.

There most likely is still something going on between them or they still have unresolved issues which might re-ignite their relationship if not dealt with promptly.

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